Sometimes you find a cause to support, but when a cause finds you it means something in life has sunk its teeth in and has torn some of your flesh.

Such was the case for our family when, in 2014, our fifth-grade son showed me a lump on his neck.  What appeared to be an infected lymph node turned out to be Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  And, while it was caught in its early stages and is one of the more curable cancers, the road to recovery was filled with a hot-coal walk no child should ever endure.

As parents, nothing is more excruciating than not being able to make a scary, ugly world safe again for your kid.

Unfortunately, this road is also well-traveled with scores of other young warriors (and their families) fighting cancers with far less certain outcomes.   We can never forget those we passed in the corridors (and those, sadly, who are now angels).

Prior to our son’s illness, I was blissfully unaware that cancer is the disease that claims more young lives than any other.  I didn’t know that only 4% of federal funding goes to pediatric cancer research.  I didn’t realize that September was earmarked as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, signified by gold ribbons.

In 2015, I noticed, along with many pediatric oncology parents, that the world was not a sea of gold in September the way it turned pink in October.

Limited awareness results in limited support.

Thankfully, this is starting to change, but there still is much work to be done.

When I hear someone say that money is the root of all evil I know they have not found a cause, they have not seen the good works that money provides – the research, programs and support.

Our family will forever be indebted to Stony Brook Children’s Hospital for saving our son’s life, as well as scores of charities, like Make-A-Wish Suffolk, the Sunrise Fund, and the Ronald McDonald House that gave us hope and respite.

For us, the only way to heal from this is to ease the path for others who will share a similar, terrifying journey.

As humans, we are hardwired to help – and it is good for our health.

According to Elizabeth Dunn*, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada who studies happiness, “People who donate money to charity are happier in poor and rich countries alike… Dunn said her more recent research suggests giving away money can tangibly improve one’s health.”

She measured the blood pressure of subjects before and after they gave away money.  When they spent money on themselves, their blood pressure remained unchanged but, when they gave away money it resulted in reduced blood pressure.

Dunn noted that when a donor is personally connected to a cause, the positive effects of giving are more pronounced.  She believes that giving is good for the heart.

Tony and I have had the pleasure of helping a number of our clients set up donor-advised funds, which allows for contributions of cash and assets (such as collectibles and investments).  Advantages to using these funds (as opposed to writing a check) include:

• Donors contribute to the fund and take the deduction in the same year, but the donation does not need to be made right away, so donors have time to thoughtfully disperse the funds.
• The account is invested and can grow over time, which may increase the amount the charity ultimately receives.
• When donating appreciated assets held over one year (e.g., stocks, collectibles), donors can avoid paying capital gains taxes.
• Recordkeeping of contributions/donations are handled by the fund.

Next time you meet with your financial advisor to discuss funding your many goals (college, weddings, vacations and retirement) consider that being generous to a cause has many rewards, including helping to mend a broken heart.

 

 

*Source:  “People who donate to charity are much happier and healthier” by Reuters, NYPost.com, September 3, 2015.

Often, I have seen people burdened with a financial secret; something that they have not faced head-on or have been hiding from their families, and it leads to emotional overwhelm.

Over the last month, I have had several conversations with a successful career woman who has amassed credit card debt that she cannot pay off in full.  Though she has never been late or delinquent in paying her bills, the guilt and self-loathing she carries was keeping her stuck in place – paying the minimum or a little more when she could afford to do so.  She had no idea what her balances were on each and every card, nor did she know the rates she was paying.

When emotions run high, it is easy to be reflexive and ride the wave like a piece of Styrofoam in the ocean.  But if we can just believe we can control our emotions, then we can learn to manage our responses, according to Guy Winch, Ph.D. and author of “Why You Should Believe You Can Control Your Emotions.”

Winch explains that our natural response to troubling thoughts is to either distract ourselves or to suppress what we are feeling; neither response is useful.  Yet, the simple belief that we can have control over our emotions allows us to reframe the challenge as an opportunity and can “lessen the emotional impact” of the stressful situation.

While failing to manage emotions can harm your personal life, your financial health can also get compromised along the way, even if money hasn’t been an issue for you in the past.   It could look something like this:  Rather than face your dissatisfaction with your career advancement, you decide to renovate a perfectly good kitchen (distraction).   You take out a line of credit and that makes your monthly budget a little tight, but you push down those nagging feelings telling you to hold up on the remodel (suppression).

Money complicates emotions because it represents more than just currency.  It is the yardstick that measures success, status, and prestige.  It is easy to give the impression that you have more of it than you really do.  Fake it (cross your fingers) and hope you can make it.

Posting images of a successful life on FaceBook, Instagram or other social media outlets wouldn’t be as prevalent if we didn’t care how others see us.  Ironically, our emotional response to these social media posts is to feel bad about our own lives, which fuels the need to keep up (or at least pretend to).

In my opinion, the only thing worse than living life on a gerbil wheel is to live it on someone else’s gerbil wheel (and get into debt over it).

Though not my area of expertise, I wanted to help this woman find her way to higher ground.  I could not offer her credit counseling but I was able to help her get her emotions out of the way so she could move forward.  She was then inspired to speak with an expert on the topic and has called me to discuss her progress.  As I read the article by Dr. Winch, I was struck by the fact that she and I informally covered his five questions to find a silver lining and regulate emotions.  This is how we talked through her issue:

1. What is the possible upside in this situation?   I will not allow myself to get into further debt.  I only go shopping for groceries.  I have stopped the bleeding and have made a plan to pay this off in four years.
2. How can I use the situation to further another goal I might have?  I have wanted to look at my budget and dig into how I am spending my money and set aside something for retirement.  I will make a place in my budget now.  I am tired of only paying other people; I want to invest in myself.
3. In what ways is the situation not as distressing as it first seemed?  When I sat down and listed all my card balances and then wrote down the interest rates I was paying, I was sick over it.  To continue what I was doing meant it would take decades to pay off the debt and it would cost me an additional $100K.  Now I won’t be wasting any more money.
4. What would the situation look like if I took a different perspective?  Yes, I was irresponsible in my spending.  I am embarrassed I let it get to this.  But, I have been responsible in always paying my bills on time.  Now I will be proactive in paying it off sooner.  I am making it right and this will never happen again.
5. What potential opportunities are there in the situation?  I want to explore why I have had an unhealthy relationship with money and fix it, which will also rebuild trust with my husband.  I want to educate my children about my mistakes, so they will make wise decisions with money.

At the time of our last conversation, her shame and guilt started to shift out of the way to make room for her more important work of fixing the situation.  Managing her emotions enabled her to make her own playbook, freeing her from paralysis.

She believes she can change this situation now; so do I.

Whether you are facing an imminent financial threat or realize that you have allowed day-to-day distractions to keep you from actively planning your financial future, these five questions can help you take control and not live at the mercy of your discomfort.

You can wring your hands over past mistakes and missed opportunities, or put them to work and make your own playbook.  Then, you can get busy going where it is you want to go.

 

Source:  “Why You Should Believe You Can Control Your Emotions” by Guy Winch Ph.D., Psychology Today.com, September 5, 2018.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

When my mother wanted me to be aware of someone’s self-serving nature she would say, “Hooray for me, and the hell with you!”

That one sentence was a much-needed warning as my tendency was to follow the Golden Rule (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”).  The trouble is, sometimes you can feel like a bit of a patsy following that rule when everyone is muttering through a fake smile, “The hell with you!”

At a company like Wells Fargo, management has built their fortunes exploiting their clients in the most egregious of ways.

A July 27, 2018 Wall Street Journal article by Emily Glazer “Whistleblowers Detail Wells Fargo Wealth Management Woes” details how perverse sales goals greased the already oily fingertips of advisers who: “pushed clients into products that generated additional fees and often moved client assets between different products or investing platforms to generate more revenue and bigger bonuses…”

Add this ick to a long list of gripes against Wells Fargo, including manipulating banking data, opening fake customer accounts, hocking dangerous investments, using illegal lending practices in minority and low-income communities, not to mention claims of ripping off small business owners, mortgage holders and car insurance policy holders.

What I can’t figure out is how they have the audacity to outline their values on their website.  This is a direct lift from its site which put someone’s MFA degree in Creative Writing to tragic use:

Five primary values guide every action we take:

• What’s right for customers. We place customers at the center of everything we do. We want to exceed customer expectations and build relationships that last a lifetime.
• People as a competitive advantage. We strive to attract, develop, motivate, and retain the best team members — and collaborate across businesses and functions to serve customers.
• Ethics. We’re committed to the highest standards of integrity, transparency, and principled performance. We do the right thing, in the right way, and hold ourselves accountable.
• Diversity and inclusion. We value and promote diversity and inclusion in all aspects of business and at all levels. Success comes from inviting and incorporating diverse perspectives.
• Leadership. We’re all called to be leaders. We want everyone to lead themselves, lead the team, and lead the business — in service to customers, communities, team members, and shareholders.

They say their vision is to make customers succeed financially.  Well, that just doesn’t add up in the land of hooray for me, and the hell with you.

What is baffling is its advisory arm manages $1.6 trillion in retail client assets!

For all its misdeeds Wells’ net income year-over-year went from $5.9 billion in the second quarter of 2017 to $5.2 billion in 2018 and revenue went from $22.2 billion to $21.6 billion over the same period.

Where’s karma when you need it?

Mistakes get made in life, but a predatory culture is hard to shake – and even more difficult to clean up.

If customers believe they are working with professionals who are doing a good job – that’s nice. But if those at the top of the food-chain have blood dripping from their teeth, I don’t much care how nice my bank rep/advisor is.

Wells is not alone.   The good news is an online search and a visit to FINRA’s BrokerCheck allows investors to research firms and individual representatives for disciplinary actions and infractions.

Always look at the firm’s record,  as well.  Remember: Culture is as culture does.

Separate out those firms who use the Golden Rule from those who thumb their noses at it, and at you.  Then, take your business elsewhere.